To love love

I am having a hard time keeping my chin up.

I believe the world is made up of people. And in our modernized dreams we have forgotten how to be connected to the people around us. We think so much of scaling the heights, we forget to hold the hand of the lovely souls beside us.

The silence on trains, the eyes buried in books, the fingers fidgeting with mobiles, the averted gaze and the unsmiling seconds of catching someone else's eye. We're so scared to smile.

I still look to find the soul and the colour in everyone. We are more than the test we last sat for and the my-alarm-didnt-ring-and-i-was-soooo-late stories. More than the tag on our shirt and the next party we haven't heard about.

I like talking to people. I like knowing people.

N I like when I don't have to make a big dramatic display to be counted.

If there can be you and me and a cup of coffee and we're still smiling, then that's who I want to meet. And that's the version of the world I want to be in.

That's not to say it doesn't already exist. My best friends. The friends of friends I can remember because they had a personality and genuity about them. Even the exchange students who could manage a lunch with actual conversation. They are definitely around. I just think so many people have forgotten how to be part of society. Social is just about a drunken cheer, an excusable inebriated smooch and roll in the sack + disappearing act. Or an exclusive us & them based on a system of inflated truths.

No. I like the people who remember to be real. It's not that unique. But it's special. Every time.


And to relate back to the start of this post, I have come to each person with a smile and an open heart. But sometimes they love and get terrified when someone can love back. I don't mean a boy-girl romantic love specifically. Just love. And in all that experience of people who prefer to stick with superficial relations and run from good times that aren't so erasable, there is a weight at the corners of my mouth.

Colour test saying what I couldnt in my unfinished previous post

You feel worn out, physically and mentally.

Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.You feel unhappy because you feel that you are not able to obtain the co-operation of those around you. All you would like at this time would be to achieve harmony within your circle.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding.

You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation.

You are a difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please.

A Self-Beating

I feel stuck.

Today versus even a few months ago, and things are so different. There has been alot of growth. But sometimes when I sit down and stop racing with the world... it feels like it's all the same.
Some things have changed. But they just bring new editions of old problems.

Good Girl
Always felt like I had one foot out the circle. Had everyone's respect but sometimes it seemed like I looked so one-dimensional. Being good meant so much was private and bloom-locked.

Eventually I decided that I could be good and have character. All colour has come to life since.

But then now there are new issues. Sometimes I'm up on a pedestal. Sometimes I'm the dirt on your shoe. Sometimes I'm invisible.


In-Between
Stupid. Me. Brilliant.
Thin. Me. Fat.
Selfless. Me. Selfish.
Artistic. Me. Practical.
Nerd. Me. Partyanimal.
Reserved. Me. Open.
Nonchalant. Me. Worrywart.
Homely. Me. Adventurer.
Girly. Me. Tomboyish.

To top it off, I feel stupid for thinking these are things that should bother me.

Oooooo *giggles*

So much time has passed!

I am so not doing homework. I am not used to this free time honestly... Weirdo.

So there's bluehair. This is a new kind of enthralled. It's not good looks. It's not kindness. It's not manliness. Not intelligence or good dressing.

Just artsy. Artiness. From the first time I saw him, this not-because-he's-good-looking boy, I was completely intrigued. Strangely enough, by his hair colour. Maybe he looks like Jonny Lee Miller too. http://www.comingsoon.net/nextraimages/trainspotting-dvd.jpg
And my Jonny.

This bluish-gray hair... now fiercely blond. An intensity about him. I just imagine he is an art piece himself. Jonny might have lost abit of that essence, but he is beautiful. This one I think might have the character.

Been a couple of months and we've finally met, in a series of incidents that seems to involve some fate. Now he has my number, is aware of my interest. I can't wait to see where this goes.

My friend says he rarely smiles. I got quite a few from him. Heehee. I am so psyched! Giggly girly n all that. N he's just this tiny boy! Amazing. I guess I am excited to find out what he's like because he is so not typical.


Another guy has also suddenly taken to me. We had some witty banter the other day n found that we have a very similar sense of humour. Get along very good. We all know good fun conversation is the key to everything. He is masterfully flirty. Subtle. It's nice when they aren't forward. So I'd be very interested if not for bluehair. Anyway he's interested enough to follow-up. Invited me to someplace special this weekend, but I wasnt free so we're doing lunch in school instead. Eagerness is good.

I also met a Dutch boy. He is lovely. Energetic, nice. Just maybe more interested in being friends. Not sure yet. But he's handsome and I like how lively he is. Takes the lead but doesn't give a single dodgy vibe. Had to run off because he had some bad news abt his parents, wasn't my place to ask what. But he played some of those kiddy handgames with me and we had some giggles together. Strangely comfortable, hugs and hands and all. Also met his friends, ALWAYS a good thing.

Very fun. Has my number, called to say goodnight.

Strange how 3 pple dropped out of the sky in 1 week. But I am happy at the fun. Mostly because I've been hanging out with Marcus and Manuel who are SOOOO awesome. Manuel is a decent guy, so rare a find. Marcus is funny and they pamper me. We stick together mostly and its perfect.

Yay!

Lovely, with murky edges

Its scary how singular events can sometimes change the direction of everything you do, of your life.

I don't regret it. Yet it makes me quite scared knowing that if similar opportunities transpired in the future, I wouldn't be able to give a complete no. I'd want it, but I know I'd resist giving an immediate yes.

Not knowing is scary enough. Because even though I'm not holding back now, not just waiting/counting on getting a chance to delve into that perfection that I had a taste of, if in my thoughts I think that if it came by round my way, that I MIGHT drop everything I had to walk into that.... well, isn't that scary? What does it say about the rest of my days. Will they always be the in-between? Do I actually want them to not matter?

I won't take it back. I loved it too much. It's the most real feeling I've had. And yet I'm disallowed accepting it.

So I say, it is

Lovely. With murky edges.







Because I know I am still waiting.

N its not like the little ones, where I was waiting for a yes today even though I know it'd be gone tomorrow. I think it will be years before it materializes. Years. And in my little youth, in my baby adulthood, in all seriousness today, I think I still will live for the moment I am allowed it.

Breathing at 21

I've been off the blogging scene for ages now. In fact, even my journal is a bit blank, n that's quite a feat for me. Naturally, lots to update...

Things are interesting. Definitely different from say, a year ago. Vastly different.

Taking alot of classes I like. But alot of design work means my perfectionist side comes out, I spend ages on it, and procrastinate on everything else. BUT, i love it.

Still am frustrated at the lack of FRIENDS being made in uni. Had great plans for participating in lots of groups, but not getting accomodation means that plan is busted.

I have met some promising characters. But the fact that they are male and that there's some attraction beneath the surface, complicates the length of friendship. It always ends, to put it simply.

Oddly, partying brought me to them. Been doing that alot lately, as a compromise step in experiencing life rather than thinking and dissecting extensively. Partying isnt my ideal, but at 21, it's an available option.

Anyway, the boy situation is not terrificly easy. For about 6-7months I'd gone out with people I just found something attractive in. Something really small sometimes.

Then I had a somewhat ironic experience. He taught me not to 'settle' anymore, without patronizing me, he made me believe I really was worth it and I should only go for what's right. So now I accept the mortality of young relationships but I'm actually acting upon what I think is worth it, is right, is great.

I feel like I took a step forward. I grew. Because of his love. The ironic part is he's probably the only person to ever really strike at my heart, to crack it. I won't say break it, but crack it. It's a sombre kind of pain. Nothing juvenile.

So in my accepting that my maturity is not silly, or uncool, I met someone very impressive. But he decided to footsie around, but he was honest with the tangle. One instance of being uncooperative, being a little less smilingly understanding, and it seems to have closed the chapter. I don't like being difficult, but making it easy means I am the fool. Nevermind what he thinks, it'll hurt me. So that's still pending, but probably a closing chapter. A pity, because he really is fantastic.

Met one intimidated by my religion and principles.

I have a new friend too. A sincerely nice guy with some hilarious friends and we've been having a blast hanging out together. I'm happy doing simple things. So I'm loving this, especially since my friends seem so far away lately.

Blondie is lovely and possibly coming to visit. But I won't count on it, have learnt my lesson on that. Its nice having someone to talk to though.

And yet another model with brains and witty convo, also someone to look forward to talking to.

Reducing douchebags on a great scale. Things are well.

I only miss my friends.

But I have been very busy. Tired also. But enjoying life.