To love love

I am having a hard time keeping my chin up.

I believe the world is made up of people. And in our modernized dreams we have forgotten how to be connected to the people around us. We think so much of scaling the heights, we forget to hold the hand of the lovely souls beside us.

The silence on trains, the eyes buried in books, the fingers fidgeting with mobiles, the averted gaze and the unsmiling seconds of catching someone else's eye. We're so scared to smile.

I still look to find the soul and the colour in everyone. We are more than the test we last sat for and the my-alarm-didnt-ring-and-i-was-soooo-late stories. More than the tag on our shirt and the next party we haven't heard about.

I like talking to people. I like knowing people.

N I like when I don't have to make a big dramatic display to be counted.

If there can be you and me and a cup of coffee and we're still smiling, then that's who I want to meet. And that's the version of the world I want to be in.

That's not to say it doesn't already exist. My best friends. The friends of friends I can remember because they had a personality and genuity about them. Even the exchange students who could manage a lunch with actual conversation. They are definitely around. I just think so many people have forgotten how to be part of society. Social is just about a drunken cheer, an excusable inebriated smooch and roll in the sack + disappearing act. Or an exclusive us & them based on a system of inflated truths.

No. I like the people who remember to be real. It's not that unique. But it's special. Every time.


And to relate back to the start of this post, I have come to each person with a smile and an open heart. But sometimes they love and get terrified when someone can love back. I don't mean a boy-girl romantic love specifically. Just love. And in all that experience of people who prefer to stick with superficial relations and run from good times that aren't so erasable, there is a weight at the corners of my mouth.

Colour test saying what I couldnt in my unfinished previous post

You feel worn out, physically and mentally.

Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.You feel unhappy because you feel that you are not able to obtain the co-operation of those around you. All you would like at this time would be to achieve harmony within your circle.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding.

You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation.

You are a difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please.

A Self-Beating

I feel stuck.

Today versus even a few months ago, and things are so different. There has been alot of growth. But sometimes when I sit down and stop racing with the world... it feels like it's all the same.
Some things have changed. But they just bring new editions of old problems.

Good Girl
Always felt like I had one foot out the circle. Had everyone's respect but sometimes it seemed like I looked so one-dimensional. Being good meant so much was private and bloom-locked.

Eventually I decided that I could be good and have character. All colour has come to life since.

But then now there are new issues. Sometimes I'm up on a pedestal. Sometimes I'm the dirt on your shoe. Sometimes I'm invisible.


In-Between
Stupid. Me. Brilliant.
Thin. Me. Fat.
Selfless. Me. Selfish.
Artistic. Me. Practical.
Nerd. Me. Partyanimal.
Reserved. Me. Open.
Nonchalant. Me. Worrywart.
Homely. Me. Adventurer.
Girly. Me. Tomboyish.

To top it off, I feel stupid for thinking these are things that should bother me.