Lovely, with murky edges

Its scary how singular events can sometimes change the direction of everything you do, of your life.

I don't regret it. Yet it makes me quite scared knowing that if similar opportunities transpired in the future, I wouldn't be able to give a complete no. I'd want it, but I know I'd resist giving an immediate yes.

Not knowing is scary enough. Because even though I'm not holding back now, not just waiting/counting on getting a chance to delve into that perfection that I had a taste of, if in my thoughts I think that if it came by round my way, that I MIGHT drop everything I had to walk into that.... well, isn't that scary? What does it say about the rest of my days. Will they always be the in-between? Do I actually want them to not matter?

I won't take it back. I loved it too much. It's the most real feeling I've had. And yet I'm disallowed accepting it.

So I say, it is

Lovely. With murky edges.







Because I know I am still waiting.

N its not like the little ones, where I was waiting for a yes today even though I know it'd be gone tomorrow. I think it will be years before it materializes. Years. And in my little youth, in my baby adulthood, in all seriousness today, I think I still will live for the moment I am allowed it.